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Friday Fancies

September 5, 2008

Because what fun is window shopping if you don’t spam the product link to all your friends via IM, mirite? I like to pretend that I still get that TGIF feeling, even though I don’t have weekends anymore as such. In my fantasy world I get up early on Sunday, put on my cushy bathrobe, make coffee, and then sit at a dining room table with plenty of sunlight (note: it is always autumn in this fantasy) and do the NY Times crossword for several hours and maybe eat some bacon. One day, hm? While we’re in first-world dreamland, let’s take a look at stuff I would have if I really lived here. I hate hate hate it when people do this, but I’m putting this list behind a cut because, well, it’s ridiculously full of images.


FLY London Adele

FLY London Adele

How cute are these? I saw them on Manolo for the Big Girl in green and yellow, which I also love. Let us ignore for the moment the issue of my Frankenfoot and imagine how I would instantly be rendered cute and retro if I wore these. They’re on sale at, although by “sale” I mean “$124” — but hey, shipping’s free.

Want to look like



Seeeeeeeriously. This is what I want to look like. I have no delusions that I will ever be a runway model, and I wouldn’t really want to be, either. Christina Hendricks here is jaw-droppingly gorgeous, in my opinion. There is no question at all about whether she’s a woman or a stick. Look! at those curves! If I were a man I’d want to do that thing where they stick their face in your boobs and sort of nuzzle around between them, and I hope to God you know what I’m talking about. Actually I kind of want to do that and I’m not a man. Also, I want her red hair. I believe I shall use these photos as inspiration for the weight loss, because I do actually have that sort of figure, it’s just hiding. Under the blubber. Right. Next!

Beauty Hardwares

bat bat

bat bat

I put the “s” on “hardwares” because I think it sounds cute and ironically pretentious, right? I think my eyelashes are among my better features, but they do tend to either sit there all straight and/or curl up at weirdass angles if I slept on my face. I was introduced to the wonder of the eyelash curler by my best friend at about age 24; at first my eyes were like “what the fuck do you think you’re doing amggggg” because really, doesn’t that look like an instrument of torture? And near your eyes? Eek. But I adjusted and am now a fan, although I haven’t really figured out yet if you’re supposed to use it before or after you put mascara on. I have also heard that heating it with a blow dryer helps to set the curl but since I can’t be bothered to do this for my head hair, do you really think I’m going to do it for my eyelashes? So my old eyelash curler was white plastic and clearly ratty from 400 too many uses post-mascara and I pitched it. Not to give myself an excuse to buy a new one, mind you. Just… because. (It really was time.)




So this is from ragtrader on Etsy, and basically I want to buy her entire shop because it is glorious. I love this necklace for several reasons: I am a sucker for anything medieval; it’s a cute play on my maiden name; and the seller is from Pittsburgh. Yinz gahtta rprznt. Also this is the only one of these listed so if you buy it before I can I will hunt you down and sic the demon from my tattoo on you. Just sayin’. I think this will be my 20lb. lost reward, because it is full of awesome, and it’s pretty big so I think it would look good on me at my current size. Sometimes I think the smaller, more delicate jewelry just emphasizes my double chin.




OK, this dress is hot. And I love a ton of stuff on b&lu, and their prices are amazing. This dress also comes in black, and would probably be the perfect little black dress, but purples are in for fall (so I am told by my magazines) and I like this particular shade. $46! I’d need some kind of foundation garment to suck everything in a little but I think I’d feel totally hot in this. Oh, and I decided that if I buy nice clothes I like and they subsequently become too big, well, that’s what tailors are for, yes? I am actually going to talk to the husband-type about ordering this, so I have something to wear in the fall. Naturally I also felt the need to put together an outfit for it which will demonstrate to you Why I’m Not Allowed to Have Nice Things:

Shoes first, yes? I love shoes. How can you not love shoes? Sure they hurt and they’re expensive but you can wear them no matter how much you weigh so it’s OK to buy them if you like them. I really like these Ring Master shoes from Naughty Monkey. I also think they would look cute with dark denim or cords or… sweatpants? no, not sweatpants.

Next, the tights. You would not believe how fucking long it took me to find opaque, colorful tights in sizes that might actually clear my thighs. (I have a big booty, and big thighs to go with it, and you know what, I LIKE IT THAT WAY.*) So, We Love Colors? I Love You. Nine bucks! Many colors! Many sizes!

The necklace was addressed earlier and I swear to God I’m not kidding about hunting you down if you buy it and she can’t make another one for me so find a different one to like.

And the purse is more Etsy wonderfulness, by Cha Cha. It’s called the Jenny, which is my name, only spelled different, ergo it should also belong to me. I like it very much indeed.

This outfit probably looks like some misguided clown vomited all over Microsoft Paint, but I like it and would wear it and kick your ass, right? OK.

* When I got the big tattoo on my leg my tattoo artist commented that she wished all her clients had such luscious creamy big thighs to draw on. You may call them Thunder Thighs but it’s only because they’re awesome, like Thor.

Whee! It’s fun to pretend to spend money by placing items in your shopping cart! Tomorrow is the Saturday Beauty Experiment, for which I will be getting my hair cut by a new stylist in this podunk little town. She sounded pretty cool on the phone. We can but hope.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. Christie permalink
    September 8, 2008 8:19 pm

    it’s carrot_flowers again.

    I FRAKKING LOVE THAT DRESS. i want it. omg. yes.

  2. Christie permalink
    September 8, 2008 8:22 pm

    and just because he’s my only link to hollywood, i have to mention this: my dear friend adam works as a set designer on Mad Men! he gets to that foxy lady in the flesh like… daily.

    yeah! i love her, too. she’s gooooooorgeous and i would nuzzle between those lady lumps like nobody’s business if i ever had the chance.

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