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Diamonds Are Not a Slob’s Best Friend

September 5, 2008

So I had this deadline for a writing assignment, and it was totally stressing me out, and when I want to procrastinate I will actually do things like exercise and wash the dishes and window-shop online. I think I said earlier that I hated shopping, which isn’t entirely true. Mostly I hate shopping at real stores and trying clothes on because I swear to God they heat the dressing rooms to like 90 degrees F and of course all the mirrors so you can see your fat ass and your double chin at the same time and AWESOME. Also, I usually wind up shopping with my husband, and while I love my husband he tends to actually wander off to more interesting stores like EB Games or whatever and I end up coming out of the dressing room with no shirt on to see if he could go grab me a different size and everyone looks at me like I’m crazy. Possibly because I use run-on sentences.

So anyway, I like shopping on the interwebs. There’s no harsh disillusionment when you put the clothes/jewelry/makeup on until after you’ve already had the gratification of buying it, so instead of immediate buyer’s remorse you get UPS guy anticipation instead. I did go through a phase where I bought almost everything I wore at vintage stores and Anthropologie, and seriously, if any of those clothes still fit I would wear them. During that time I felt OK about wearing jewelry; admittedly, I don’t have much, but I didn’t feel like it made me look stupid.

Now? Not so much. I can generally be found hiding in hoodies and bootcut jeans, which I have somehow deluded myself into believing hide my size, when in fact they actually make me look more like a tent. I have a stomach and this is clear to everyone as soon as I sit down whether I’m wearing something form-fitting or not. Uh-huh. At any rate, I leave the house with no makeup, my hair in not even a real ponytail (it’s long and drives me crazy, so I kind of pull it halfway through and get this loop thing going), and fercrissakes wearing Crocs. I know I keep harping on it, but they’re CROCS. It’s like painting “Hey I’m An Asshole” across my feet.

This is related to jewelry somehow, see, because I don’t even feel OK wearing my engagement ring with such attire (it’s aquamarine, not diamonds, oops). You know how you see pictures of celebrities and they’re in sloppy clothes but wearing a nice bracelet or a pair of earrings or something, and it’s ok, because most of the time they look like they can carry it off? (NB: When they don’t they end up on Go Fug Yourself.) I can’t do that, because I feel like a total fraud. Plus? I never really learned to accessorize, so when I do pick jewelry I get some earrings that are foot-long feathers dyed lime green or something. I know when I’m buying them that they’re GOING TO LOOK STUPID but they look so cute in the picture or at the store, plus that girl Kenley on Project Runway wears feathers and I think she looks cool. I know everybody hates her, but whatev, I wish I could carry off 40s glamour like that.

I would like to wear more jewelry and actually asked my handy husband to build me a jewelry box (he’s talented with wood) so that I could keep it in a special place and feel special and ladylike. But somehow I think this is yet another one of my attempts at becoming a fashionable person by acquiring the trappings and then faking it, and until I believe that I can and do look good it ain’t gonna work.

A friend I hung out with this weekend had this spectacular purse, and I said I loved it and I never carried a purse because seriously I dress like a butch lesbian and it would look like I was trying way too hard. She insisted that a stylish purse tells the world “Hey, I don’t always dress like this, I am actually cool,” and I think she had a point.

So I’m going to try to integrate jewelry into my wardrobe, although maybe not right away. There’s so much cute stuff on Etsy that I want to own, and I think I’ll buy some for myself as rewards for losing 20lb, 50lb, etc. The problem is that I don’t own any non-slob clothes that fit, and I really don’t have the budget to buy stuff as I lose weight, and the Goodwill in town SUCKS (can you say acid wash? and don’t even tell me it’s coming back), so I’m not sure how I’m going to proceed. I have been telling myself daily, out loud, that I’m worth taking care of even though I’m overweight right now, and it’s actually made me feel better (oh my GOD I’m such a GOOBER). Considering that several months ago I didn’t even want to get out of bed or ever leave the house, this is a huge improvement, and I don’t want to deny myself cute things because I don’t think I’m good enough for them.

This post has totally already gotten derailed in fifteen different directions, so I think I’ll bring it to a close here, but I’m curious: What level of “nice clothes” makes you feel OK about wearing jewelry? Or am I the only neurotic with this problem?

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4 Comments leave one →
  1. sheryls permalink
    September 5, 2008 10:37 am

    re: not sure how to proceed.

    have you tried H&M? i know it’s an evil store with dressing rooms and blahblahblah, but their stuff is adorable and cheap. cheapcheapcheap. like $12 shirts, $25 dresses cheap.

    The store provides great basics along with some really fun funky pieces. also, shopping with the right person can make all the difference. There is one at franklin park in toledo – i’m about to move there if you ever want a shopping buddy πŸ˜€

    i’m well aware of the shopping frustration when you’re feeling unflattered – i used to call it my “fat rage” – i would get flushed and hot and so angry i could punch something. i even got it this summer shopping for a bathing suit (nothing calls out your genetic cellulite and reminds you how much you hate your thighs like the Macy’s dressing rooms).

    I finally found a bathing suit with a skirt that does not look like it belongs to one’s great aunt sally (i bought a tankini top to go with it, no bikinis for me kthx). πŸ˜€

    as far as level of clothes for jewelry – maybe i’m too traditional, but i pull out the diamonds for my black tie attire, my silver & stone stuff for work wear, and my leather/silver with skulls/dragons/whathaveyou/etc for my jeans and awesome tshirts type stuff.

    that being said, when i was engaged, i did feel funny tossing on a $10k ring with my jeans and tshirt πŸ˜›

  2. September 5, 2008 11:09 am

    Dragons! That’s a great idea… I’ll get some geek jewelry and then I won’t feel so silly wearing it with jeans. For some reason in my brain jewelry = pretty pretty princess.

    I will definitely have to come down to Toledo to visit, but H&M (as far as I know) does not carry The Clothes in my Size. Instead I propose we eat Chinese food at that one place whose name I always forget because we went there in like 1997 or something.

  3. sheryls permalink
    September 5, 2008 3:05 pm

    i think they do! we’ll check. i know other stores too.

    and i believe you’re talking about Jing Chuan πŸ˜€ and i’m ALL ABOUT THAT.

  4. September 5, 2008 4:57 pm

    I believe H&M discontinued their plus size line, at which I say foo. However, I am all over Jing Chuan like, uh, white on rice? and miiiight be talked into shopping. Do you have a Sephora down there? Because I’m too lazy to go to their site and use the locator.

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